BMW box bangers: Care from a Virgin: Barmy burglars: Eat me: Neutrino Numpty: and Smokin Dahn Unda.

A definite lack of vertical distance in the liquid metal gauge at the Castle this morn, the big warm yellow thing has been replaced with lots of opaque sky stuff, the butler is back to shoving fat, carbon neutral teenagers into the furnace and his Maj has discovered the joy of waiting for me to “cultivate” the borders and then leaving me a present.

To all those plonkers who didn’t panic but rushed to their nearest go-juice station to “top up” their tanks-you have been had by the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition who has raked in quite a lot of loot from human nature...

Still in battery powered Blighty

BMW is recalling more than 100,000 cars in the UK due to a battery problem which could in extreme cases cause a fire.

A BMW spokesman said it was recalling 109,000 5 Series and 6 Series models in the UK because of "an issue with a battery cable cover which, in a small number of cases, has been incorrectly fitted. In rare cases this could result in owners not being able to start their vehicle. In extremely rare cases the electrical system could malfunction, leading to a scorching of the boot floor and a fire may result. This issue has come to light through the continuous testing and development of BMW vehicles and some customer feedback.”

No accidents or injuries to a person have been reported. The number of cars affected by this recall during the seven-year time frame in the UK is 109,000. Owners of affected cars will be contacted in the coming weeks and asked to arrange a visit to their dealer.

Any concerned BMW 5 Series and 6 Series owners should contact the BMW customer service number on 0800 325600.

Should have gone to Honda...

Despite “promises” that the NHS would not be privatised

Thousands of patients are to be cared for by staff working for a private company after Virgin Care finalised the biggest outsourcing deal yet for running day-to-day NHS services.

The company, part-owned by Sir Richard Branson's Virgin Group, has signed a £500 million, five-year contract to run a wide variety of community health services in Surrey.

Virgin Care will take over the running of Surrey Care Services, part of NHS Surrey, the local primary care trust.

Responsibilities include running eight community hospitals, where elderly people often recover after an operation, before being sent home.

Virgin Care will also provide community nursing - helping people stay at home, or providing end-of-life care - and health visitors for parents with young babies.

Other services being outsourced include breast cancer screening, sexual health clinics, specialist dental work, physiotherapy and rehabilitation.

About 2,500 NHS staff will be transferred to Virgin Care, although an NHS Surrey spokesman said there would be "no change" to their pay and conditions.

A joint statement from NHS Surrey and Virgin Care claimed: "This is essentially a transfer of management and follows national guidance that allows the trust to focus on developing, buying and managing the performance of services, leaving the provider to concentrate on delivering services."

Anne Walker, chief executive of NHS Surrey, described it as "excellent news for patients, carers and staff".

Yeah right...tell us that in a year or so when the “truth” comes out...

Up a smidge to Essex

Plod has come up with a cunning plan to prevent burglaries-by breaking into people’s homes.

Police in Shoebury, Essex, have been going round testing doors and windows of houses to check if they have been left unlocked - and if they find an easy way in they will wake up the household to warn them their house is insecure.

The new police campaign is aimed at warning people of the dangers of late-night break-ins.

 

That should make some poo come out....

Right to the land of Fallic Glu

At the 'Salon du Chocolat' in Bordeaux, France chocolate dresses are on show.

Num. Num, num and don’t forget that according to “experts” eating choccy will make you slim...

Up a bit to where faster than light is the norm

Antonio Ereditato CERN’s project's coordinator has disappeared at less than the speed of light after they discovered that neutrinos don’t blow Einstein’s theory into the past.

Probably some biscuit crumbs in the works-again...

And finally:

Dahn Unda and right a bit

New Zealand's first cannabis club has installed a vending machine to dispense the drug.

The club, the Daktory in the West Auckland suburb of New Lynn, has been using the machine to avoid any members being charged for dealing in the drug.

The hired vending machine, usually filled with toys or confectionery, sells one gram bags of cannabis for $NZ20 ($15.70), the AucklandNow website reports.

The Daktory opened in November 2008, but after its founder Dakta Green was jailed in June 2011 for possessing, selling and allowing the warehouse to be used for drug taking, its doors closed.

It has since been used as the headquarters for the National Organisation for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (Norml).

However, Norml president Julian Crawford confirmed the Daktory club was again open for business.

Mr Crawford said the vending machine has been a “hit” with guests.

Sounds a bit potty to me....

That’s it: I’m orf to tot up Super Earths

And today’s thought:

Private health care

Angus

Elf and biscuits: Barmy Medical Association: Wiped out: Asbo Numpty: Horsing around: and Naked golfers.

Not a lot of temperature at the Castle this morn, and allegedly it will be the last day of clement weather for a while, as I have sorted out the garden and we could do with some sky water I don’t mind that much but I think we will be left wanting.

While my shopping costs have risen by fifty percent over the last year

It seems that some departments attached to the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition have been splashing out on fripperies.

The Dept of ‘Elf has ordered an “urgent review” after it was revealed that it spent more than £100,000 in three months on "tea and biscuits".

Silly Billy’s crowd managed to piss away £214,059 for refreshments at the Home Office.

The Department for Culture, Media and Sport planted £3,527 on cut flowers and pot plants and the Foreign Office and its trading arm FCO Services exported £151,990 on taxi contracts over four months last year.

But apparently back at the Dept of Elf they have an excuse-a spokesman insisted the £109,017 biscuit bill was a marked improvement on the first three months of last year when officials managed to spend £137,000 on light refreshments and in 2010 when the spending reached £194,000.

And the ever useful Tory reason-"This spending relates to a hospitality contract that was started in 2005 under the previous administration”.

Oh well, that’s alright then....

Staying on the ‘Elf theme

Routine operations and doctor's appointments may be cancelled for 24 hours if doctors vote to take industrial action over pensions, the British Medical Association said on Thursday night.

Although the BMA's leaders ruled out a total strike, for reasons of patient safety, they have always made clear all other options were on the table. Stopping all but emergency work was the most radical possibility.

Allegedly "The action would be likely to involve the postponement of routine operations and non-urgent outpatient appointments in hospitals. GP practices would remain open and staffed so they could see patients in need of urgent attention, but routine, non-urgent appointments would not be available on the day of action." 

That’ll really hurt the BUPA enrolled rich gits in the cabinet....

And Auntie is axing Total Wipeout

The show, hosted by Amanda Byram and Top Gear's Richard Hammond, will return for one more series in its usual teatime Saturday slot before being shelved.

A BBC spokesperson said: 'After four very successful series of Total Wipeout - and one series of Winter Wipeout - the BBC has taken the decision that the next series, due to transmit later this year, will be the last.'

Total Wipeout sees 20 contestants kitted out with elbow pads and a helmet as they attempt to navigate a padded assault course without plummeting into water below, with rounds including Sucker Punch, the Cradles of Doom and the notoriously tricky Big Red Balls.

Which will leave us with:

1.    18:00–19:00

Winter Wipeout (for a while)
Celebrity Special 2

12/12. Celebrities including Terry Christian and Sophie Anderton tackle the obstacle course.

19:00–20:20

The Voice UK
Blind Auditions 2

The coaches battle it out to win over the most outstanding voices for their team.

20:20–21:10

The National Lottery: In It to Win It
31/03/2012

Five contestants compete to win a big money jackpot. Includes the weekend Lottery draws.

21:10–22:00

Casualty
Series 26, Saturday Night Fever

29/41. Jordan's date with Yvonne is put on hold when a former patient nearly dies in the cells.

22:00–22:20

BBC Weekend News
31/03/2012

National and international news from the BBC.

22:20–23:45

Match of the Day
2011/2012, 31/03/2012

Gary Lineker presents highlights including QPR v Arsenal and Wolves v Bolton.

23:45–01:05

The Football League Show
2011/2012, 31/03/2012

Manish Bhasin presents highlights from a vital afternoon at Upton Park.

Oh joy....worth every penny of my license fee....

Right a bit to the place next to Germany

A wealthy oil sheik managed to write orf his brand new Aston Martin worth nearly a quarter of a million pounds on the way to a business meeting.

The multimillionaire from Kuwait, 37, took his £200,000 wheels for a drive in between meetings when he veered off the road as he tried to overtake a cyclist with another car coming towards him in the other direction.

With the car burst into the flames after it came to a stop, the driver was fortunate enough to scramble free in time before flames engulfed the vehicle to ash.

It took 55 fireman two hours to bring the blaze under control in the Austrian capital Vienna and what was remaining among the debris of the car was just the engine and four wheel hubs.

Still when he gets home he can take out the Bentley Continental GT he has in his garage...

Somewhere on our planet.

A brainless Pillock decides to slap a horse on the rump-and gets his just reward.

And finally:

Over in Essex

A World record was set yesterday by 30 people who played miniature golf naked to raise money for charity.

The event, held at Adventure Island on Southend seafront, Essex, set the new world record of the most naked people to play miniature golf in one hour.

The participants raised more than £3,000 for The Prostate Cancer Charity.

Adventure Island managing director Marc Miller said: “It’s been an absolutely superb day with people all enjoying the chance to do something memorable, have good fun and raise a large amount of money for a fantastic, charity, of which we are proud to be patrons.

“People have travelled from all over the UK to take part – from as far afield as Durham, Devon and Birmingham – and we’ve heard some amazing stories from so many who have been directly, or indirectly, affected by cancer and wanted to give something back.”

Good for them-let’s hope they hit the right balls....

That’s it: I’m orf to count stars

And today’s thought:

Cabinet meeting.

Angus

Pasty faced Pillock: Plods ‘leeking’ cash: Piste over prayers: Pay, pensions and petrol: and Taxing crap.

A lack of height in the liquid metal gauge, but it is still nice, sunny and calm at the Castle this morn.

Woke up this day to find that the one remaining brain cell has managed to fire itself up; so instead of a three cylinder two stroke DKW it has returned to a V8 Asbo Martin -took long enough...

Just returned from the stale bread, gruel and pussy food run dahn Tesco-the go-juice forecourt was heaving with a bit to spare at 07.30-I see that no one is panicking then...

Nice to be back though.

As we all know U-Turn Cam is an idiot

But it seems he is exceeding even his Piss Poor standards.

Not only is he facing the wrath of the pie gobblers over VAT on ‘warm’ food, but has plunged what is left of Blighty into a panic over flammable liquid in large boxy vehicles.

But should we really be surprised; so far he has managed to bring the economy to a standstill, raise taxes for ordinary folk while reducing them for the rich, is about to privatise the NHS and the roads, and along with the rest of the Millionaires Club Coalition has reduced our warm and dry island to a third world country.

Still, at least he hasn’t taxed air-------yet...

Meanwhile:

Up in Warwickshire

Plod has “lost” £113,000 seized from criminals in 2009 from a "secure storage area" in the village of Leek Wootton.

The force, suspecting it may have been taken by a police officer, set up a secret investigation in an attempt to catch the culprits. But after a six-month inquiry no one has been caught and the force has decided to go public with an appeal for information.

That really gives one confidence in the Woodentops...

Right to the high, cold bit of part of what is left of Europe

It seems that the Duck and Duckess of the place that isn’t Oxford have decided that going on the piste is more important than attending Friday's service of thanksgiving for Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother and Princess Margaret at St George’s Chapel, Windsor.

Nice to see that holidays come before duty....

And back to the go-juice crisis

Moves to start peace talks aimed at averting a strike by fuel tanker drivers will be stepped up today amid fears that panic buying of petrol will escalate.

Many garages have reported long queues after Cabinet Office Minister Francis Maude suggested drivers should fill up any spare jerry cans with petrol and keep them in garages.

But another Government minister admitted Mr Maude had made a "mistake" after fire safety experts warned of the dangers of storing petrol.

Conciliation service Acas is trying to convene talks between the Unite union and seven companies involved in the dispute over terms and conditions and safety.

Sales of petrol were up 45% on Tuesday and diesel was up 20%, in what appeared to be a sign of panic-buying by motorists, with the trend seeming to continue last night.

Unite has not set any strike dates and has been stressing its willingness to negotiate.

 Let’s put this into perspective, there are about 10,000 tanker drivers in privatised Blighty, on average they earn about £45,000 to £50,000 a year and are thinking of striking over ‘pay, pensions, safety and “job insecurity” ’.

Join the other sixty three million in the same club chaps....

And finally: 

Right quite a lot to one of the “Stans”

Kazakh farmers have voiced their opposition to the country’s new ecological legislation that imposes taxation on livestock manure, which has been declared an environmentally harmful substance, local television channel 31 said.

All livestock is currently being registered at the expense of the owners for manure taxation purposes, the channel said on Tuesday.

“We’d prefer if the state encouraged people to take up animal husbandry, rearing livestock for meat and milk,” farmer Viktor Khilchenko was cited as saying.

The annual payment will be moderate, costing under 1,600 tenge ($11) per ton of manure, a local official told the channel. The new Environmental Code, which came into force earlier this year, treats manure as a waste product and not a fertilizer.

Local rights groups will campaign to have the law overturned, the report said.

This is not the first attempt by Kazakhstan to tax manure. In 2003, authorities in the eastern part of the country unsuccessfully tried to impose a similar law, saying it will prevent local settlements from being clogged with livestock by-products.

Hope son of a B....aronet and alien reptile in disguise George (the public pays for my go-juice) Osborne doesn’t read this....

That’s it: I’m orf to check out J1120+0641’s carbon footprint.

And today’s thought:

 One can always hope.

Angus

Turning the corner- In more ways than one

Warm, calm and very clement at the castle this morn; after the recent bout of the Fallic Glu I had two choices-sit back and wait for it to depart, or go for it and work it orf-I chose the latter.

We all have one corner of the garden that has become a place to hide away all those bits where hidden things accumulate, and the Castle is no exception, so below is the story of “turning the corner”.

 If you want a closer look click on the pics...

First select your corner-about 8'x 8'

Then clear out all the rubbish-with help from his Maj

After that clear out even more rubbish

Then empty out the compost bin

Level orf the site-with more help from his Maj

Erect the bamboo screen

A bit more levelling

Re-use all the bits of stone, rocks and broken slabs and put up a trellis.

Plant some growing things and find a new home for the statue

Then take all the unwanted stuff to the ‘recycling centre’

Sit back and admire the weeks work....

And I even feel better-apart from a dodgy back, dickey hip and more than a touch of “tennis elbow”

But it was worth it.

Angus

Budget Wibble- See how you are being screwed: Flying Dutchman; and he’s not a lumberjack....

Finally, finally managed to find the time and strength to put finger to keyboard, been a busy week-oodles of vandalism in the garden (photos to follow) and after two days in the car orspital having all its stopping bits replaced the Honda has passed its MOT at the cost of an arm and a leg (plus other body parts).

Just returned from the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food (which has gorn up by 50p since last week) run dahn Tesco-only another few months till Morrisons opens.

 And yet again apologies to those who have commented/emailed-I will get round to it...

What can I say about the Budget?

Not a lot-typical Tory thinking-give those on more than enough even more, have yet another go at smokers, drinkers, drivers and the old.

But if you can summon up the energy click on these links to find out how you will do.

BBC budget calculator

Or

The Torygraph budget calculator

And then have a cogitate about who we didn’t vote into office...

Somewhere in what is left of Europe

Allegedly British university educated engineer Jarno Smeets claims to have achieved birdlike flight with a set of man-made wings in a video that has spread rapidly around the internet.

Claiming to have based his bird-like contraption on sketches from his grandfather, the project can be traced from its origins on the Dutch mechanical engineer's website.

After studying at the University of Coventry, Mr Smeets claims to have worked with neuromechanics expert Bert Otten to create a design based on the mechanics used in robotic prosthetics which helps to give his muscles extra strength.

However, according to the former Coventry student, his own body strength was only capable of providing five per cent of the necessary power so to make up the shortfall he fitted extra motors to the wing suit.

When he landed after the 60-second flight, he said: “At one moment you see the ground moving away and then suddenly you’re free, a really intense feeling of freedom.

 The true feeling of flying; A ******* magical moment. The best feeling I have felt in my life.”

 

Good luck with that....Studied in Coventry-isn’t that in the area where “that’ll do” British Leyland was based-and we all know how well that went...

And even more finally (for a while):

Over in the home of the chopper and the land of the homeless

An amateur lumberjack has been caught on video trying to cut down a huge tree just feet from his home - with disastrous consequences.

In the clip, uploaded to YouTube, four wedges are driven into the trunk before the man takes to the evergreen tree with an axe.

Seconds later, the creaking and groaning of timber can be heard - before the giant conifer slowly crashes down directly onto the one story house.

The axe man seems 'stumped' for a moment and then shouts, "my house!" and a few seconds later "my bedroom!" along with “shit”.

 

I do love a Numpty...

That’s it: I’m orf to put some robot jellyfish in the moat

 

And today‘s thought:

Nature does flying much better.

Angus

The wrong trousers: Tory Wibble Wankers: and Up-up and not away...

‘tis pleasant at the Castle this morn, sunny, warmish, calm and clement, finally finished the second course of non-penicillin antibiotics a couple of days ago, feeling much, much better and able to put digit to keyboard once again (told you not to get excited..) and apologies to those friends who commented/emailed with nice things to say and whom I ignored over the last week or so.

Not quite firing on all cylinders yet but there will be a post every couple of days...

And I have a Dedaw in the garden.

It seems that according to Auntie the biggest story of the Sabbath is that some overpaid foreign ballerina has managed to have a heart attack whilst chasing a bag full of air around a bit of grass; look, sorry for the poor bloke he is only in his twenties but such is life, there are far more important things to worry about such as the state of Blighty, the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition, where are all my missing socks and why is “Royal Mail” so useless as delivering things.

And mumbling about the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition

Son of a B......aronet and alien reptile in disguise George (I want to cut my own tax bill) Osborne allegedly wants to scrap the 50% tax on those poor souls who earn more than £150,000 per annus horriblis.

Supposedly it was going to produce revenue of £2.6 billion, which is likely to be reduced to several hundred million when the Treasury completes its sums.

So it seems that the Chancer wants to help those who have more than a lot but doesn’t want to reduce VAT, go juice or other fuel prices.

Typical Tory-can’t see the economy for the cost of living...

And finally in this truncated post:

Across the big bit of wet stuff on the left

A 1954 Aerocar is being sold by Rockford, Illinois-based Company Courtesy Aircraft as one of only five which are known to still exist today.

And you could own it for a measly £800,000.

Despite being 'out of warranty' the collector's item could prove to be a popular investment, although it is in need of some maintenance as its last inspection was over 14 years ago and it has not taken to the sky in quite a while.

The Wall Street Journal reported that the flying car is not missing any major parts and is still in a good enough condition to see it take flight again.

With enough room to take two people up into the clouds, the 150-horsepower vehicle has a cruising speed of 100mph and a 300-mile range.

Or you could buy a Honda and save £790,000 to spend on petrol...

That’s it: I’m orf to see if the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition are Red Deer Cave people.

And today’s thought:

There are some good points to budget cuts.

Angus

Wibble Wankers: Korean Kamikazes: Hanging out in Lima: and More Wibble Wankers.

Coldish, cloudyish and calmish at the castle this morn, after almost two weeks of rest and recuperation which included five days in the four poster sniffing, sneezing, sweating coughing, farting, vomiting and expelling stuff from the rear exit; a course of non penicillin antibiotics, more than a lot of Lemsips and gallons of Tussis medicine I have finally managed to fire up the laptop and see if my one remaining brain cell is capable of stringing more than two words together.

Don’t get too excited-this is a “practise” post, just to see.....

Anyway: 

Up in Geordie land

Where that bunch of gutless, lying, backstabbing, unelected bunch of purveyors of Wibble otherwise known as the LibDems have gathered to try to convince themselves that they are actually in power.

U-Turn Dave’s fag is apparently telling the rest of his “party” that he will soon launch the Youth Contract - a programme designed to help young people into work and slash unemployment.

Calling it a "Liberal Democrat drive for youth jobs", do dah said the £1bn scheme will help get every jobless youngster "earning or learning".

But he will also robustly defend the controversial welfare reforms, arguing that benefit claimants "owe it to the nation" to "strain every sinew to find a job".

And will insist that the financial statement later this month has to slash taxes for ordinary workers and be a "budget for fairness".

However what’s his name’s speech will contain no major new policy announcements but is expected to focus instead on "positioning" the party and outlining its achievements in Government.

That’s going to be a very short speech then.....

East to the land of the Dog’s bollocks

While “working” for Top Gear and supposedly filming a speeding Corvette in Korea two pilots from the film crew found themselves careering towards the ground as they lost control of their helicopter.

Captured on camera by local man Steve Esparaza, the chopper is seen nose-diving before smashing into the ground.

Luckily the pilots were able to walk away from the crash - even remembering to turn off the engine.

Hope the cost of the chopper doesn’t come out of my license fee....

West to the place where Titicaca exists

Hundreds of scantily clad and nude cyclists took to the streets of Peru's capital, Lima, to call attention to safety conditions on the city's roads.

Campaigners say that thousands have been killed on the roads because of reckless driving.

Many of the cyclists painted slogans and signs on their bare skin.

No wonder they are getting wiped out-not a helmet in sight-at least on their heads....

And finally:

Back to the place where “proper” ale comes from

Liberal Democrats at the party's spring conference have decided not to vote on the future of controversial health reforms.

Members voted not to take an emergency motion which urged the withdrawal of the Health and Social Care Bill, which is nearing the end of its passage through Parliament.

Campaigners against the NHS changes won enough support to have their "kill the Bill" emergency motion debated on Sunday at the party's spring conference in Gateshead.

But, under the party's alternative vote system, the attempt failed on second preferences.

Instead a rival motion on the same Bill that calls on Lib Dems to support the changes was selected.

That was put forward by Baroness Williams, who initially had opposed the proposals.

Couldn’t organise a vote in a ballot box....

That’s it: I’m orf not to buy a Raspberry Pi

And today’s thought:

Angus